Hello,
Have been in Edinburgh for a day now, and today am doing a couple of shows – Chortle’s Fast Fringe and a preview of Late Night Laughs.
I’ve had a real disappointment with breakfast cereal since arriving here. There is a bit of background to this story.
A while ago I went to Canada and tried Kellogg’s Froot Loops for the first time. Just so you know, I love trashy breakfast cereal. I like sugar and artificial colourings. There is something incredibly depressing about the healthy cereal aisle. All of the boxes are brown. And then you look across to the shelves opposite and there are hundreds of bright colours with monkeys (I have issues with the Coco Pops monkey’s evolution but that is for another time) and tigers and parrots. It’s a wonderful world where sugar is wonderful and the onset of obesity and gum disease is a world away.
The point is: I fell in love with Froot Loops. I ate them everyday. A lot. It was two weeks of sugar induced joy and elation. Unfortunately, this was to only be a holiday romance. Because on my return to the UK, once the four boxes that I brought back in my suitcase had been finished, I could no longer source the cereal.
I was so distraught about this, that I actually sent an e-mailto Kellogg’s asking them why they did not sell Froot Loops in the UK. To their credit, they responded swiftly, telling me that Froot Loops were not suitable for the European market, and asked if I had tried Honey Nut Loops? WHAT A RIDICULOUS SUGGESTION. I don’t like the cereal because it’s in a loop shape! That’s like saying “Oh lovely to hear that you like Toblerone. Sorry that you can’t get any where you are. Have you tried pressing dogshit into a triangular prism?”
Anyway the point is that for the years since, I have had to get Froot Loops from American importers for about £10 a box. And you can’t do that all of the time. I remember coming downstairs for breakfast one day and seeing my 2 year old tucking into a bowl of MY Froot Loops that my wife had given him, and thinking “that’s £2 worth of cereal you little git.” I couldn’t talk to him for the rest of the day. A cereal so expensive that it stops you interacting with your children is probably a problem.
Just before I left for Edinburgh, I received a tweet from a lad that I taught in my pre-comedy days. It says a lot about my teaching that he knew all about my Froot Loop issues. The tweet was a picture from his local Tesco with UK FROOT LOOPS. UK FROOT LOOPS. Finally I could enjoy this cereal without having to hate my family.
It was with some excitement that I arrived in Edinburgh and stocked the flat with domestic Froot Loops – £1.34 per box on special! It was a wonderful time. A time of joy, and elation. I was in Edinburgh. And I was going to be having Froot Loops everyday. The next morning I was up early and ready to tuck into my first bowl of Froot Loops. I was talking to my flatmates about them. What a wonderful month this was going to be!
It was when I opened the box that my world came crashing down. For reasons unknown to me, Kellogg’s have decided to make the Froot Loops produced here with no artificial flavours or colourings. So what I had was what looked like American Froot Loops that somebody had opened, sucked, and put back into the box. The disappointment was crushing. The only thing I can really say to get this across to you, is that I have found myself relating much more to Olympic athletes who have suffered disappointment. It’s made the experience a lot tougher for me. I cried after the judo.
That’s it for now. If you are up in Ed please come and check out one of the shows I’m doing. I won’t be as upbeat as I might otherwise have been, but I will do my very best.
BYE!