Hello!

I hope all is well with you.* I have been engrossed in the Euros. It was a weird one for England because they were completely outclassed by Italy who then went on to lose 4 nil to Spain. So with the disappointment of losing comes the joy and relief that we didn’t end up playing Spain. You can’t ever say what the score would have been but I think it would have been 100 – Nil.

I spend most weekends away from home. Being away from home on your own in different cities is a bit like taking a “loser show” on tour. I’m going around the country and then walking around on my own. What happens, however, is that you lose your inhibitions about being alone. I would never have gone to the cinema on my own a couple of years ago, but now I do it all the time. And it’s much better.

I don’t notice the look of sympathy that the ticket seller gives me, or the disgust that the food counter staff give me when I order a large popcorn. I mean obviously I do, otherwise I wouldn’t mention it. The difference is I don’t give a shit.

Last weekend I was in Birmingham. On the Saturday, I decided to go and see Men in Black 3. Not the greatest selection, perhaps, but the only other viable option was Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, and I don’t want to know about that side of him.

The first mistake I made was to arrive at the cinema about 45 minutes too early. Some people might have a wander around the shops, or take a walk. I decided to sit on a bench outside the cinema for 45 MINUTES. This was a strange experience. Because you look at your phone and glance around, but I was obviously giving off some sort of vibe, because people kept sitting down next to me and talking to me. Saying things like “Isn’t it lovely just watching the world go by.” And I say “ACTUALLY I AM WAITING FOR A FILM TO START AND BECAUSE I AM HERE ON MY OWN, I HAVE TO SIT ON THIS BENCH AND WAIT LIKE A FUCKING LOSER AND JUST HOPE BEYOND HOPE THAT SOMEBODY BECOMES MY BEST FRIEND.” And then those people move on.

I got the popcorn and went in and sat down. Immediately I start making judgements about this place because people are walking in with carrier bags full of popcorn and sweets that they have brought in from other shops. I have no issue with people doing this – the popcorn is a rip off in these places. What does happen though is that I know that these things are all in loud packaging. And so as they sit around me I start getting angry about the noise that the packaging is going to make when they open the stuff – like some sort of miserable bastard version of Minority Report.

Anyway, things got worse later on. The film was ok, better than MIB2. Mind you, the film could have just been footage of Will Smith taking a large shit on Tommy Lee Jones and it would have been better than MIB2. The ending, however, is a real emotional wrench. I don’t want to spoil if for you, but let’s just say it was more touching than I expected. And I don’t know if it is because I was tired, but I started thinking that I was going to cry. And then I panicked. I want you to imagine that you were at the cinema with your friends watching Men in Black and you looked across the theatre and saw a man, on his own, crying. I would call the police.

Fortunately, I didn’t cry. But I did walk out of the cinema quite quickly. But not quickly enough to avoid hearing somebody say “I told you he was on his own.”

BYE!!

R x

*I honestly don’t care.